Bleach Shorts!
by GhostAdventuresFreak
Summary: Many trying-to-be-funny stories about our favorite Soul Reapers and Arrancars! Read about their crazy adventures and they'll leave you saying "What the heck?" and "The author is crazy!" I hope you enjoy! Slight OOC, but only to make it more humorous!
1. Espada Adventures Nnoitra's Dark Past

**Hey guys! It's been a while but I'm back and this time with all-new Bleach parodies! Go on the silly adventures of the Soul Reapers and Arrancars as the stupidest things happen!**

**Espada Shorts: Nnoitra's dark past**

It was a long day (If a place that always is engulfed by night time has days) in Hueco Mundo and Nnoitra had just finished creeping all the Espada out, so he was exhausted. He went to his room and laid down on his bed while he was doing some thinking. He wondered why everyone compared him to a spoon and/or a satellite dish. _I'm not __**that**__ creepy_ he thought, but then was reminded of his days as a weak Vasto Lorde. Back then in the deserts of Hueco Mundo, long before he lived in Las Noches, Nnoitra was picked on by all the hollows there. I mean c'mon, it's hard not to take advantage of an overgrown spoon. He remembered sitting around all alone because his weirdness left him with no friends. That's when the horrible day came. Nnoitra was taking a stroll in the Menos forest when he was completely surrounded with a bunch of the Gillians. They were hungry, very hungry indeed and they already were carrying around a couple of souls. Nnoitra, being as weak as he was at the time, ran for his life until the unthinkable happens. One of the Menos Grande grabs the strange Arrancar and lifts him up in the air. It then sent him crashing down into one of the souls; carrying it up along with Nnoitra. Then it lifted him back up and moved him closer to its mouth. Nnoitra let out many screams as he saw the huge teeth of the Menos. Just when he thought his life was over, the Menos chomped down on the soul that Nnoitra was used to carry. It just hit him that the Menos Grande never wanted to eat _him _but to use him as a spoon to devour other souls. He then yelled out, "What the hell? Since when did the stupid Menos have manners? Why me!" This went on for ages and ages until Nnoitra became stronger and was accepted to be the 5th Espada. He sat back up and stared at the darkness with his heart racing as the horrible flashback ended. He then went over to Ulquiorra's room because he was unable to sleep by himself for the rest of the night; fearing a Menos in need of a spoon will show up. THE END :3

**What did you guys think? Yeah, I know it's short but I couldn't think of anything else to add. If you guys have any ideas that you would like, please tell me and if I laugh, I just might write about it. Thanks so much and make sure to….*ahem* **

**Nnoitra: Do I have to?**

**Me: Yes! DO IT NOW! **

**Nnoitra: Review before I'm used as a spoon!**


	2. Espada Adventures Grimmjow's Obsession

**Yet another episode of Bleach Shorts! I like this one a lot for some reason. It's a little OOC, but that's the point right? Alright, I don't have much to say so, let's start shall we?**

**Espada Adventures- Grimmjow's Secret Obsession**

**Grimmjow: I hate you for this….**

**Me: Love ya too, GrimmKitty!**

**Grimmjow: Grrr….**

**OK! Sorry, I was so rudely interrupted, here goes!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own nor do I have anything to do with Bleach. If I did, Aizen would have never been born, Renji and Rukia would be together, and I wouldn't be wasting my time writing this. Bleach is Tite Kubo's no matter how much I want it to be mine. **

Grimmjow had just finished beating the living crap out of lower-ranking Arrancars as he strode down the hallways of Las Noches. He encountered Ulquiorra on the way to his room and had an interesting chat.

"Where are you going, Grimmjow?" Ulquiorra asked in his usual monotone voice.

Grimmjow, being who he is, replied with "Why the hell do you want to know? You trying to become my stalker?"

"I can assure you that I would be the last person to 'stalk' you" Ulquiorra answered, "you still haven't answered my question."

Grimmjow rolled his eyes and said "To my room. Why?"

Ulquiorra just said, "Hmmph. I see. Well then, carry on."

Ulquiorra was suspicious of the Sexta Espada. Then again, everyone was, but since they were the ones to fight more often, Ulquiorra wanted to use anything he could against him. When Grimmjow arrived to his room, he slammed the door; forgetting to lock it, and sat down on the couch. Leaving the door unlocked will soon prove to be a fatal mistake to his Arrancar pride. Szayel had just installed TV's in each Espada's room so they could now entertain themselves with things other than killing. He turned it on and began watching his favorite show. Ulquiorra crept down the halls and stopped at Grimmjow's room. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. The Sexta Espada was laughing and having a good time without any violence. I know, the Grimmjow Jeagerjaquez laughing at a human show, shocking. Without hesitation, Ulquiorra flung the door open, but Grimmjow quickly noticed and turned the TV off.

Ulquiorra asked, "Why were you laughing?"

"Ah, so you _are_ a stalker. And why do you care?" he answered coldly.

"It was slightly out of character." Ulquiorra stated.

He was used to hearing Grimmjow's usual psychotic laugh, but this one was real.

"You should get those ears checked, emo boy." The Sexta snapped.

Ulquiorra shrugged and walked away, hoping to catch him some other time. Grimmjow resumed watching his show. Whatever was on the TV seemed enjoyable to Grimmjow. After a bunch of episodes, the Sexta Espada began feeling drowsy and called it a night. As he drifted to sleep, Ulquiorra woke up to commence his operation. He slithered down the halls making sure to avoid Nnoitra's room. He certainly did NOT want to find out what the spoon-like Espada talked about at night. The talking to himself was getting beyond creepy and Ulquiorra is planning on reporting it to Aizen sometime, but now the Cuatro has to focus on his mission. He snuck to Grimmjow's room and cracked the door open. He realized that the Sexta made a huge mistake: leaving his TV on. Ulquiorra looked over and read the title of the show. It read "Bleach."

"What is this nonsense? Why would they name a show after what I use to remove my stains?" Ulquiorra said a little too loudly.

Grimmjow quickly awoke from his sleep and glared at the Cuatro Espada. Obviously furious, he yelled a large amount of swear words and tried to explain himself.

"It's just that, that orange-haired boy is soooo awesome! And that Urahara character is so mysterious and intriguing…but that blue-haired one is so evil. I hate him, but now that I think about it…he's handsome." Grimmjow said with a smirk on his face.

Ulquiorra sighed and said, "Baka, that blue-haired one is YOU. And that boy is your worst enemy."

Grimmjow blinked a little and then his face went blank.

"W-what?" he stuttered.

Ulquiorra muttered something under his breath and walked out feeling a little disappointed. He thought he'd find something more gossip-worthy. Grimmjow turned a bright shade of red and slumped down on the couch; very embarrassed. It wasn't his fault he loved Bleach. He thought he was the only one until Nnoitra skipped into his room.

"I heard some yelling, so I thought I'd- OMG NO WAY! BLEACH? I LOVE THIS SHOW!" he exclaimed as he jumped beside Grimmjow.

He pulled out a bag of popcorn from the back of his spoony head which left some questions. Grimmjow shook his head in disbelief and they both began to watch together. THE END!

Epilogue:

After the show, Nnoitra did something very creepy. He got down on all fours and began sniffing the ground until the scent led him underneath Grimmjow's bed. He pulled out a large amount of Bleach plushies and squealed like an over-obsessive fan girl.

"I CALL ICHIGO!" He screamed.

Grimmjow slapped him a couple times across the face and everything returned to it's natural order.

**So that's it guys! I really, truly hope you enjoyed! Please send it some ideas! Review and you'll win a Ichigo plushie! (not really, lol) **

**Grimmjow: I hate you for this.**

**Me: Chill out, it's just a story, Kitty.**

**Grimmjow: NOT A CAT! **


	3. Q & A

**How are you guys? I thought for this chapter I would answer some questions that might be asked, so no story for this one, but I will think of one soon! Or you can help out and give me some ideas! But I hope this little chapter will clear some things up! This are all my opinions, so please respect them just like I respect yours! I still haven't seen every episode, so I could be wrong at times, sorry. WARNING: MIGHT CONTAIN MAJOR SPOILERS!**

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><p><strong>My Thoughts On Some Bleach Matters!<strong>

I can't decide who my favorite character is. I love them all. It used to be Rukia, but then so many others popped up, so I just can't choose!

I am a IchiHime fan (IchiSenna if she wasn't dead.). I just think that Ichigo and Rukia are more like brother and sister and I honestly can't see them together, but I understand why some of you would see an IchiRuki though.

I absolutely LOVE RenRuki. I think they are so adorable together and childhood friends always turn out great! Plus, it's totally obvious that Renji likes Rukia. But I do have to admit, if Kaien was still alive, then I think KaienRuki would be AMAZING!

I do believe that Grimmjow is alive. Ichigo saved him. I know that Tite Kubo confirmed his death, BUT! Kubo is known for never speaking about Bleach, and we all know he's good at planning surprises. We all know that Senna popped up in the background of one episode right? I think that Grimmjow will come back as an ally. I mean, he was never really a villian, more of an anti-hero. He just did things that benefited him.

I like Soul Reapers better, but I think that Arrancars have cooler powers.

I hate Aizen. (don't we all?)

Momo is a drama queen that will never realize that Aizen abandoned the Soul Society by his own free will.

I don't think that Toushiro should end up with anyone. I don't like HitsuHina, HitsuMatsu, or even HitsuKarin. Sorry.

Grimmjow is my favorite Espada, yet also the one I hate the most. (Don't try to understand me, I'm a confusing person)

My favorite Zanpakuto's are Hiyorinmaru, Senbonzakura, and Benihime. (sorry if misspelled)

Kisuke Urahara is amazing.

My favorite captains are Kenpachi, Ukitake, Toushiro, and Byakuya.

My favorite lieutentants are Renji, Kaien, and Yachiru.

I share a birthday with Soi Fon. (okay so this isn't an opinion, it's a fact, but still) and Yachiru's is a day after mine.

Luppi is a man. (okay, another fact) To be honest, I first thought he was a pretty girl.

The Espada I hate the most is Nnoitra. (next to Grimmjow of course) He's such an annoyance.

My favorite Bleach movie is Memories of Nobody. (I haven't seen Hell Chapter yet)

Momo should die in a car accident caused by Aizen. (lol, ok this one is a joke because I'm getting bored)

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><p><strong>Well that's all I can think of for now. I'd love to answer some more questions if you guys can think of them. Thanks!<strong>


	4. Espada Adventures Random Arrancar Time

**I was high when I wrote this, so if it doesn't make sense, now you know.  
><strong>

**Espada Adventures- Random Arrancar Time**

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><p>Nnoitra was happily skipping around Las Noches when his 7'0 height got in the way. He was humming and happy until his spoony head hit a low bar. He flung backwards and face planted the ground. Grimmjow walked by and said "What? You in love with the floor?" and with that, he shook his head and walked away. Nnoitra began to sulk away in tears, for his happy day was ruined. Stupid Bar.<p>

Ulquiorra Cifer. Emo. Not trashy. Cuatro Espada. President of the Aizen fan club. I don't know about you guys, but if that was on Ulquiorra's resume, I'd hire him after reading "Not trashy". Anyways, unto the story. Ulquiorra was staring at a cockroach with his usual emotionless face, when all of a sudden he broke into a spontaneous dance! Ok, no I was just kidding, but that would be funny. He was staring at a cockroach when he randomly ceros it to ashes (do cockroaches even have ashes when they are that small?). Nnoitra walked by; his eyes still wet from crying earlier. He was looking for his special cockroach friend when he heard Ulquiorra talking about cero blasting one. He dropped to his knees, looked up into the sky, and screamed "NOOO! HE WAS SO YOUNG!" And with that, he locked himself in his room and bawled his eyes out. Nnoitra's a strange one. Ulquiorra's a cockroach killer.

Reunited at last. Ulquiorra was sitting around reading the latest addition of "Hueco Mundo's Juicy Secrets" when he heard screeching. He could tell that it was coming from his room because of his echolocation skills. He walked in and looked up to the ceiling. There he saw 2 bats flying around. One of them swooped down and hung upside down from his mask's horn. "Are you my brother?" the bat asked. Oh yeah. Ulquiorra can understand bat language. The Cuatro was a little offended but let his mind wander. What if they were? Ulquiorra used his monotone voice to say "No. I am not one of you trash." The bat frowned and flapped away. Ulquiorra looked down and wondered why Aizen would make him close to such a creature, but he could never argue with his Lord. He reopened his magazine, but couldn't focus on reading. The bats kept tugging on his uniform and mask saying "Fly with us, FLY!". And on that note, Ulquiorra released his Zanpakuto (the second time) and flew away with them into the artificial sunset Aizen made for whenever he needs a friend, while he shouted, "YES! WE ARE BROTHERS!"

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><p><strong>Short, but the title is "Bleach Shorts", so yeah. But I'll be making more "Random Arrancar Times" for sure. I just wrote this to update the story xD Hope you enjoyed…<strong>


	5. Orihime Hates Smoothies

**I finally updated! I really have nothing else to say…so yeah. Read :)**

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><p>"Wow, Rukia-chan, thanks for inviting me over!" Orihime said cheerfully.<p>

"No problem!" Rukia answered.

Rukia and Orihime, along with Renji, Chad, and Uryuu, were all at Ichigo's house to hang out. It was such a hot day outside that Rukia thought it would be nice to have some cold smoothies.

"Renji! Come help me with this strange human device." She called.

"Uh, I believe this is what you call a blender." Renji said, just as unsure as Rukia.

"Well… maybe Chad can help us." Rukia said. She was going to ask Orihime, but she wasn't a very…skilled chef.

After Chad helped out with the smoothies, Orihime got a bit curious as to where Ichigo was.

"Where's Kurosaki-kun? Shouldn't he join us?" She said as Rukia handed her a smoothie.

"Oh, actually I'm upset with him. I told him if he were to come anywhere near me, I'd squeeze the juices out of him." Rukia said with some cheerfulness, odd enough.

"Oh…" Orihime said as she took a sip.

A harsh realization then hit her. Her eyes went horribly wide and as she looked down at what she was drinking.

Strawberries.

Her body felt weak and she fainted.

******IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE SOMEWHERE******

Ryuuk stared suspiciously at Light Yagami.

"I SWEAR TO KIRA I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT AT ALL!"

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><p><strong>Teehee for the random Death Note reference at the end :3<strong>

**Actually, Light is telling the truth. Orihime really did just go unconscious because of the possibility that she might have just drank her precious little "Kurosaki-kun."**

**YAY FOR RANDOM-NESS!**


	6. You Know The Apocalypse Is Near When

**Oh yeah. I posted two chapters in one day for this, and two chapters for Death Note One-shots. **

**4 CHAPTERS IN ONE DAY! WIN!**

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><p><strong>You Know The Apocalypse Is Near When…<strong>

… Kenpachi removes his eye patch.

… Ichigo's theme song, Number One, starts playing.

… Toushiro hits a growth spurt.

… Yachiru is angry.

… Yachiru is on a sugar high.

… Kenpachi is happy.

… Byakuya smiles.

… Byakuya smiles…TWICE!

… Byakuya smiles twice in the same day.

… Byakuya smiles twice in the same ho- OK YOU GET IT :D

… Renji succeeds.

… Rukia hates Chappy.

… Renji mans up.

… Renji mans up and admits his love for Rukia.

… Orihime mans up and admits her love for Ichigo.

… Orhime's cooking turns out good.

… Ichigo's hair turns to a natural color.

… Ulquiorra admits his love for Orihime.

… Ulquiorra admits his love for Aizen O_o **(ew)**

… Grimmjow admits his love for kittens.

… Ulquiorra smiles.

… Ulquiorra goes against Aizen's rules.

… Grimmjow and Nnoitra FOLLOW Aizen's rules.

… Starrk is sleep deprived.

… Lilinette is sleepy.

… Halibel wears clothes that cover her.

… Szayel is manly.

… Aaroniero looks decent.

… Yammy gets a Master's degree and becomes super smart.

… Tousen can see.

… Gin opens his eyes.

… Kisuke fails. **(NEVA GONNA HAPPEN! WE LOVE YOU KISUKE!)**

… Chad shrinks.

… Uryuu becomes cool.

… Uryuu becomes useful.

… Quincy's become useful.

… Orihime becomes useful.

… Rangiku becomes sober.

… Izuru is happy-looking.

… Shuuhei doesn't get rejected.

… Renji isn't a moocher.

… Unohana frowns. **(WE ARE ALL SCREWED)**

… Hanataro becomes the strongest.

… Aizen looks cool.

… Aizen is considered a MANLY butterfly.

… The Hougyoku is in Kenpachi's hands.

… The Hougyoku is in Grimmjow's hands-err _paws. _**(xD I had to)**

… The Sougyoku is in Kenpachi's hands.

… Kenpachi achieves Bankai.

… Kenpachi achieves Shikai.

… Kenpachi learns his Zanpakuto's name.

… Kenpachi's Zanpakuto speaks to him.

… Kenpachi uses Kendo.

… Yamamoto dies.

… Nel glomps you.

… ULQUIORRA glomps you.

… Aizen break dances.

… Ichigo loses.

… Hichigo takes over Ichigo.

… Gin drinks Gin. ***wink wink***

… Rangiku drinks Gin.

… Shuuhei and Izuru stop listening to Rangiku.

… Karin becomes girly.

… Yuzu becomes emo.

… Isshin becomes smart and wise.

… Isshin flicks you.

… Shinji has a mohawk.

… Hacchi loses weight.

… Lisa wears a long skirt or jeans.

… Mashiro becomes quiet.

… Kensei becomes hyper.

… Kon becomes gay.

… Kon becomes non-pervert-y.

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><p><strong>Might be a part two if I think of more :)<strong>

**Review!**


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